


Grass Stains on Blue Jeans

by babyjaem



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Confessions, Drama, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining, Religion, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-08-22 00:44:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16587470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babyjaem/pseuds/babyjaem
Summary: Sure, junior year sucks, but it sucks a lot more when you're a boy (read: Chenle) who has a crush on his homophobic best friend (read: Jisung).





	1. Ignition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to my first multi-chaptered fic! i have a lot of stuff planned for this so please support this fic bbys! i'll try to update at least once a week, but please please please understand if i don't because school is a LOT rn ugh
> 
> things to know:  
> \- takes place in america (i imagine southern california but that's not super important), therefore using the american school system  
> \- (because they are mentioned) ap classes are classes you take in high school that basically act as college courses, and they prepare you for the ap exam that you take at the end of the year. if you pass the ap exam (score is from 1-5, 3 is passing), it counts as college credit for that particular course/class.  
> \- 00 liners are aged one year down (they're high school seniors)  
> \- renmin is mentioned, but not prominent enough so they're not tagged  
> \- markhyuck is also a thing in this fic but it's not mentioned so yeah lol  
> \- jisung is honestly an ass but this is why character development exists HAHAH
> 
> WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: homophobia (not super intense or graphic or anything like that), homophobic slurs (chenle says f*g once)

Junior year sucks for many, many reasons. For a lot of people, it's the first year of being able to take multiple AP classes, and with AP classes come the rigor and workload that wasn't there with regular or honors classes. People start to really worry about how they look to colleges, piling their schedule high with clubs and volunteer work to get into the most prestigious universities.

Sure, Chenle is taking a few AP classes and he volunteers at the local animal shelter on the weekends, but those aren't the main reasons for his stress and emotional instability.

To put it simply, he has a big, fat crush on his best friend, Jisung Park.

Jisung Park, also known as the boy of his dreams. Jisung Park, captain of the hip hop dance team at their school with a 3.9 GPA. Jisung Park, with the cutest nose and brightest laugh and biggest hands Chenle has ever seen.

Jisung Park, painfully straight and kind of homophobic.

Chenle doesn't hate Jisung for not being totally on board with the whole "gay" thing; he knows that it's because of the way the younger was raised, not really being exposed to any other ways of life besides the Christian one lived out by his family. And it's not like he hates Jisung's parents, either. Sure, he would never want to be under the care of people who shame him for the gender he chooses to love, but they always invite him over for dinner with a smile on their faces, always being extremely kind because they know he and Jisung are extremely close. Chenle knows that Jisung's parents definitely wouldn't be treating him like this if they knew about his homosexual tendencies, but he tries not to show them when he's over at the Park residence.

Still, it stings when Jisung makes some micro-aggressively homophobic comment, something along the lines of "So-and-so keeps hugging me, I hope he doesn't _like like_ me" or "Dude, stop, that's so gay," but Chenle can't bring himself to speak up about it. He can't risk giving Jisung even the slightest hint that he likes boys, let alone give him a hint that he likes him.

So, Chenle tells himself that Jisung doesn't mean it, that it's because his parents raised him to be this perfect, Christ-loving boy.

Renjun, Chenle's closest friend in the grade above him and Certified Threat/Advice Giver, on the other hand, doesn't like Jisung that much.

"God, why do you like that kid? He's stuck up and ignorant and I don't care how good he is at dancing or how high his grades are, he's incompetent." Renjun rants exasperatedly while desperately trying to finish his homework for fifth period. Chenle looks around at their other friends, looking for someone who is on his side. Everyone else is just nodding along to Renjun's words.

Chenle pouts.

"Don't give me that face, honey." Renjun says with a fake sweetness, pinching Chenle's cheek and patting it after. Chenle laughs and swats the elder's hand away.

When Jisung isn't there at lunch, like when he's absent or when he has to make up a test because he was absent, Chenle sits with Renjun and his friend group which consists of Donghyuck, Varsity Tennis captain who also almost always gets the lead role in the school musical, Jeno, designated car driver whenever they go out to eat, and Jaemin, Renjun's boyfriend and Senior class Secretary.

As much as he doesn't want to admit it, Chenle thinks of the days when Jisung as gone as a blessing, honestly. He loves spending time with Jisung, hell, he cherishes his time with Jisung, but it's hard to constantly keep up the "I-am-definitely-straight-and-I-definitely-do-not-have-a-crush-on-you" facade. When he's with Renjun's friend group, he can relax and talk about all of the gay shit he wants to talk about. The only straight one is Jeno, but he's Jaemin's best friend and is super chill about this kind of stuff.

"But I told you guys that it's because of his parents!" Chenle refutes Renjun's earlier claim about Jisung, and his protective best friend instincts are already activated.

"You can't keep defending him like this." Renjun's voice almost seems like it contains a hint of sadness, like he feels bad for Chenle and what he has to deal with.

"Yeah, you can't blame it on his parents anymore! He's 16 and has been exposed to a lot more than heterosexuality; he doesn't really have any excuse for speaking the way he does now." Donghyuck agrees.

"And it's not because he's not gay either, like, look at Jeno!" Jaemin adds to the conversation, and, at the mention of his name, Jeno throws up a peace sign.

Chenle sighs loudly, a pout still present on his lips, and stuffs a chip into his mouth.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Something worth mentioning is that Jisung Park is extremely confusing.

Despite Jisung's immense heterosexual aura, it's pretty easy for anyone to pick up that he acts a little gay when he's with Chenle. It's not extreme, but it's noticeable enough for their other friends (read: Somi) to freak out about it and spam Chenle's phone with texts. Sometimes it's Jisung placing a large hand on Chenle's thigh when he's talking, and other times it's the twinkle in Jisung's eyes whenever Chenle laughs.

Somi is convinced that Jisung is just a sad, closeted queer boy who also has a big, fat crush on Chenle. Renjun, Donghyuck, and Jaemin think similarly. Kyla and Samuel, on the other hand, always tell Chenle not to worry about it, saying that it's because they've been best friends for a while and Jisung just feels super comfortable with Chenle.

Chenle agrees with Kyla and Samuel.

He considers the (albeit very, very slim) possibility that Jisung does like boys, or at least likes him, but he doesn't want to get his hopes up, nor does he want to make himself unnecessarily sad and emo.

Something else that also disproves this theory is that Jisung makes it very clear that the two of them are best friends, and always will be. They've clicked ever since they met each other in their sixth grade social studies class, so it seemed as if their friendship was destined from the very beginning. Jisung feels comfortable with Chenle in a way that he doesn't have with anyone else, and it makes Chenle feel special. He treasures each moment he shares with the younger male, each laugh, each conversation, each touch.

He would rather keep cherishing those memories and experiences than lose it all by confessing his feelings.

Chenle contemplates doing it sometimes, though.

Sometimes, his emotions feel so strong that he wishes to blurt them all out to Jisung in a huge rant about how he's liked him for the past three years, but that has a 99.9% chance of causing all hell to break loose. So he restrains himself.

Chenle first realized his not-so-platonic feelings toward Jisung in the summer before eighth grade, when they were both at the young age of 13.

They were having a sleepover at Jisung's house because Jisung's parents wouldn't allow him to spend the night at Chenle's place (they still don't). Chenle was lying on Jisung's bed, and Jisung was spread out on an extra matress, fast asleep. The former couldn't do the same, for some reason. Nothing in particular happened that triggered his epiphany of "Holy crap, I like my best friend;" he just kept thinking and thinking and thinking. After an hour or two of thoughts swimming in his mind, Chenle came to to the conclusion that he did indeed have feelings for Jisung.

It was scary, honestly. Chenle sat up quickly, heart thumping and eyes widening. Of course he knew that boys could like boys, but he never thought that he would be one of those boys.

Then he got sad, like teardrops-on-the-pillowcase sad. He started crying quietly as he realized that he would never be able to be more with Jisung. Jisung would always like girls, and Chenle would always like Jisung. It would never be able to work out, and Chenle ingrained that in his brain right then and there.

Chenle made sure to tiptoe to the bathroom and wash his face with cold water before going to bed.

Chenle didn't tell his friends right away about his crush on Jisung. He assumed, or rather hoped, that it was a fleeting emotion and would eventually vanish from his brain and stop causing him heart palpitations. After about four months, Chenle realized that he couldn't keep this a secret, that his feelings were real.

He told Somi first. Somi was Chenle's closest friend besides Jisung, so he only saw it fitting that he let her know before anyone else. She was ecstatic, to say the least.

"Oh my god! That is so cute!" Somi squealed, grabbing Chenle's hands and jumping up and down.

Chenle saw this coming, so he simply smiled sheepishly, a slight flush spreading across his face.

"Wait..." She suddenly stopped jumping around while still holding Chenle's hands in hers, "isn't Jisung super religious and stuff? Like he doesn't really like gay people or something?"

"Sadly, that's pretty true." Chenle wasn't going to deny it; he knew how Jisung felt and he already convinced himself that nothing about it would change.

"Aw, Lele!" Somi was clearly upset now, for she only called him "Lele" when he did something cute or was sad about something and needed comfort and reassurance.

Chenle couldn't help but grin at Somi's sympathy. "It's okay, I've already accepted my fate." He punctuated his sentence with a dejected laugh.

"Don't be like that, Lele! We'll do something about it! We're gonna make him fall in love with you, no matter what it takes! He's gonna see how amazing you are." Somi suggested, tone full of enthusiasm and sincerity.

Chenle highly doubted that anything would change Jisung's way of thinking, especially with the way his parents forced the Christian agenda upon him, but he really did appreciate Somi's efforts to make him feel better. Sure, she could be a bit over-the-top at times, but everything she did had good intention and he couldn't be more grateful that he had someone so positive in his life.

When Chenle told Kyla and Samuel, their reactions were a lot more mellow, but that was expected; it was pretty difficult to live up to Somi's amount of energy. Kyla was surprised at first, but both of them supported Chenle and didn't judge him for having a crush on one of their friends.

Samuel, however, was concerned about the whole thing.

"Dude, I'm not saying you should stop liking Jisung, but don't you think you're just gonna get heartbroken in the end?"

Chenle dribbled a slightly deflated basketball before shooting it and missing. He sighs and frowns deeply when he's reminded of his nonexistent chance with Jisung. "Yeah, I know..." He passes the ball to Samuel.

He makes the shot, the _swoosh_ of the ball going into the net music to his ears. "Well, what are you gonna do about it?"

"Um, hope I move on, I guess."

"Don't do anything that'll mess up your friendship with him, Chenle."

"I won't."

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Chenle still keeps that promise he made three years ago. If anything, his bond with Jisung has only gotten stronger, the struggles of high school life adding structure and stability to their friendship.

Until he decides to distance himself from Jisung.

Chenle decides that he's getting tired of Jisung's touchiness despite him constantly acting Heterosexual as Heck, and junior year is not the time for anymore confusion than necessary.

It's the middle of October when Chenle chooses to hang out with his normal friend group less and less, opting to surround himself with Renjun and his friends. Although they weren't around each other at school very often, the group of seniors accepted Chenle with open arms.

"Hey, kid, why aren't you sitting with Jisung and them? I saw them sitting at your table while I was walking over here." Jeno wonders aloud as Chenle sits down next to Renjun.

"Jisung is confusing and I'm not down to deal with it." Chenle deadpans.

Jaemin cocks his head in confusion. "But I thought you liked him? Like I don't really wanna hang out with him either but you guys are really close..."

"Basically, he acts kinda gay with me and it sucks because I know his ass is still homophobic and straight as fuck and it just bothers me now." Chenle almost spits out, blood bubbling with frustration. "I don't wanna get hurt just because I was stupid enough to have feelings for him."

Even Renjun is shocked to hear what Chenle has to say about Jisung.

"Look, I don't like him and I'm all for not putting yourself in situations where you know you'll get hurt, but don't you think this is a bit much? To just cut him off completely?" Renjun's eyes are sad and concerned, and Chenle hates that all of the seemingly negative attention is on him now.

"Well, I'm not gonna cut him off _completely_. I'll reply if he texts me first." Chenle mutters bitterly.

"Look, I really don't think this is a good idea. The two of you have been best friends for how long now, like almost five years? Maybe you should confront him about it and see what his intentions really are." Renjun supplies as a solution to Chenle's predicament.

Donghyuck snorts, "Yeah, maybe he'll finally spill and say that he's the shy, little bi boy we all think he is."

Jaemin snickers at this before Renjun smacks his arm lightly.

"Oh, that sounds like an amazing idea! I'd love to hear him swear at me for thinking that there was even the slightest possibility of him being gay! He might even call me a fag if I'm lucky!" Chenle is basically furious at this point, the tips of his ears red from anger.

Jaemin flinches when he hears the slur. Renjun grabs his hand and laces their fingers together, rubbing circles with his thumb to soothe the other male.

"Chenle, I think that's enough." Renjun says coldly. Chenle shrinks into himself.

"Look, Jaemin, I'm really sorry. I'm just so angry at him..." Chenle starts tearing up, hot tears threatening to spill. He restrains himself.

Jaemin gives a weak smile. "It's okay, Chenle. I know you're mad."

Renjun glances at Jaemin before looking at Chenle with hard eyes. Renjun is really scary when he's upset or angry, always keeping his cool while still managing to let everyone know what he's feeling. He's powerful, and Chenle hates that he's the reason for it this time.

He exhales deeply. "This is what's gonna happen, Chenle. You can give yourself some space from him because I know that you're hurting right now." His gaze softens when he sees how much emotional stress Chenle is under. "But you gotta confront him at some point. It's not just you who needs to find out what the fuck is going on with him; he needs to come to terms with how he feels eventually, too."

"I... I'll try." Chenle is so tired. But he means it.

The bell signalling the end of the lunch period rings, and the atmosphere is filled with a tension that wasn't there before. Chenle is sure everything will be fine tomorrow, but he can't help but feel guilty as he gathers his things and starts to head to class.

Chenle is about to turn the opposite way to get to his fifth period before he feels a hand grab onto his wrist. He whips around to see Renjun.

"Text any of us if you need anything, alright? We're here for you, bub." Renjun says, caressing Chenle's cheek with his hand. Chenle's body floods with relief.

Renjun has always been the "tough love" kind of person, and Chenle has to say that it's hard to deal with sometimes. Beneath his bold exterior, though, Chenle knows that Renjun truly does love him and only wants him to be happy. He never forgets that for the other guys either.

It feels like a weight has been lifted off of Chenle's shoulder. He's cooled down by now, and he thinks he's ready to deal with not being so dependent on Jisung for the time being.

He pulls out his phone to occupy himself as he walks to class and notices a message from Jisung that was sent at the beginning of lunch.

_hey dude where are you???_

Reality comes crashing down on him all at once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhh so that was the first chapter of this fic!!!! i really hope you enjoyed reading that because i have so many ideas for this fic that i'm so excited for you all to see in the future!!!
> 
> i wanted to go for something that wasn't all sunshine and rainbows because life isn't like that at all lol (even though this will have a happy ending because i'm a SUCKER for happy endings)!!! they r both so emotionally constipated pls save them ;_; also sorry that this chapter didn't rly have any interactions between chensung themselves, but i gotta get the exposition out of the way before we get into the ju1cy stuf so pls understand uwu
> 
> anyway, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give me feedback on my writing style, characterization, pacing, relationship dynamics, ANYTHING!!!! by commenting below or letting me know on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/babiejaem) or [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/babiejaem)!! i need validation pls indulge me
> 
> ok thank u for reading this i hope u have an amazing morning/afternoon/evening xoxo bbys


	2. Burning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is pretty dramatic and reveals a lot of things...... hope u enjoy uwu ;)
> 
> WARNINGS: homophobia for a lil bit (from jisung's parents), there are some mentions of religion and religious views but theyre barely there

God, is Chenle hurting.

It's been about three weeks since he decided to keep his space from Jisung, and he hurts. He thought it would lessen his confusion, but he's even less focused more stressed than he was before. Jisung is still as nice as ever when they see each other around campus, waving and smiling at him when he passes by. Chenle feels blessed that their seats aren't close together in the classes they share together, but hearing Jisung's laugh across the room aches. Seeing his posts on Instagram and selfies on Snapchat aches. Remembering that he did this to himself aches.

Chenle's heart feels heavier than it's ever been, and he's certain that he's shed more tears in the past three weeks than he has in the past two years combined. He misses Jisung so much, wants more than anything to feel his warmth again, but he can't bring himself to confront the other male about how he really feels. He's always been bad at that.

Avoiding Jisung indirectly lead to avoiding the rest of his friend group, and if Chenle's honest, he misses the other three a hell of a lot, too. He loves the four seniors he hangs out with, but it's almost impossible to replace Somi's optimism, Samuel's support and encouragement, and Kyla's sarcasm and amazing sense of humor. He's barely active in their group chat anymore; he doesn't want to know what he's been missing out on.

At this point, Chenle doesn't know what to do anymore. He feels totally lost without Jisung by his side. He realized that he doesn't care what they are, as long as they're together.

But he believes he has dug a hole he can't get out of. He's stuck in a spiral of longing for Jisung, but being too scared to do anything about it.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Chenle is minding his own business and putting away his Pre-Calc notebook in his locker when he hears something.

"Hey, Chenle." It's Jisung.

Chenle's blood runs cold, almost too stunned to say anything. "O-oh, hi."

"Well, uh, I just wanted to ask if you're down to go to In-N-Out after school? We were talking about it in the group chat but you don't really say anything there anymore so I figured that I would just ask in person." Jisung chuckles awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck.

"Oh, yeah, that." Chenle replies just as awkwardly and inwardly cringes at himself. "Um, I would, but I have to start studying for the Bio test next week. Gotta try and bring my test average up before the end of the grading period." Chenle lies, laughing weakly when he finishes his sentence. He wasn't planning to start his homework for AP Biology until two days before it was due (which isn't a good idea in any way, but Chenle sucks at school and procrastinates all the time).

"I see, I see..." Jisung trails off. "Yeah, Bio is super hard, man, I still have a B even with the curve." He says, creating small talk. Chenle really likes talking, and he doesn't want to admit that he smiles and blushes faintly when Jisung remembers this.

"Don't even say that, Mr. Straight-A-Student." Chenle starts to feel comfortable again, and he forgets that he's trying to keep his distance from Jisung. He falls deeper.

"Junior year broke that streak, unfortunately." Jisung's laugh twinkles in Chenle's ear and his heart melts into a lovesick pile of mush.

The conversation dies down until it's just Chenle and Jisung standing near Chenle's locker, having so much to talk about but not saying anything.

Then Jisung does.

"You know, we miss you at lunch and stuff. Where do you sit now?" Jisung says, moving to lean against the locker next to Chenle's. It makes Chenle realize how much Jisung has grown ever since they met each other in sixth grade. He isn't really that much taller, but weirdly, Chenle appreciates that he has to look up slightly to meet Jisung's gaze.

"Oh, I sit with Renjun and them now. I wanna spend as much time as I can with them until they graduate, you dig?" Chenle can't help but smile dumbly when the last two words slip out of his mouth. It's a phrase he picked up from Jisung a while back, and it's now a part of his regular vocabulary.

However, upon hearing that Chenle hangs out with Renjun and his friend group now, Jisung tries his best not to show a sour expression.

"Um, aren't they all, like, gay or something?" Jisung shifts awkwardly, adjusting his back straps with long, slightly shaky fingers.

_Oh, yeah._

"Sure, you could say that." Chenle chooses his words carefully.

Jisung scoffs. "Of course they all sit with each other." Jisung's tone is so condescending, and Chenle feels anger bubbling in the pit of his stomach. Throughout the time Chenle has spent away from Jisung, as much as he misses the younger boy, his tolerance for his homophobic bullshit has gotten lower and lower.

"You don't know shit about them, Jisung. Don't you dare say anything like that about my friends." Chenle is on the brink of fuming, and he doesn't feel sorry about it.

"What, are you like them?" Jisung challenges.

Chenle's anger drops, suddenly replaced by fear. He needs to get away from Jisung now before he says anything more that he's going to regret. So, he just walks away quickly, leaving Jisung alone once again.

Jisung is shocked at Chenle's reaction. It makes him think, really think about what Chenle walking away in response to his question means.

_Is Chenle gay?_

Surely not, he can't be. Jisung knows he says some stuff that would set off a member of the LGBTQ community, and Chenle never calls him out for it, so there's no way he could be gay or bi or whatever. Right?

Jisung shakes off the thought of his best friend ( _Are we still best friends?_ ) being not heterosexual and continues on with his day. Or at least, he tries to shake it off.

He can't remove the subject from his mind, his brain bombarded with possibilities of how he would act toward Chenle if the latter was gay. Would he stop talking to him? Would his parents stop allowing him to be friends with him? Certainly they would, for they constantly pushed their homophobic agenda on Jisung ever since he was a kid. But would Jisung? He tells himself that he thinks that non-heterosexual and non-cisgender people are abnormal and strange, but does he really think that?

Maybe for other people he doesn't know, maybe, but this is _Chenle_. Chenle, his best friend for the past five years. Chenle, who is always there to hear him complain about school or how he's tired from dance practice. Chenle, with the kindest and biggest heart Jisung has ever known.

Jisung can't even imagine his life without Chenle, and he surprises himself when he realizes that he managed to spend three weeks without the older boy constantly around him. Thinking about it, those weeks felt empty, like it was missing something. Jisung just didn't want to admit that it was because Chenle wasn't there.

Jisung regrets what he said to Chenle by his locker a few minutes ago. Chenle was already upset with him for something, if the not-talking-to-your-best-friend thing was something deliberated and thought through by Chenle, which is most likely true. Jisung doesn't even know what he did wrong in the first place. He doesn't remember getting into an argument with Chenle (not counting their most recent encounter), nor does he remember leaving him out of any activities with their friend group or anything of that nature.

He's baffled and confused and honestly a little sad that he did something to make Chenle avoid him for three whole weeks. Hell, it's probably gonna be even longer, based on Chenle's reaction of straight up walking away from him. So, he seeks consultation.

_Jisung: y'all i need some help_

_Somi: what is it???? :000_

_Jisung: do any of you guys perhaps know why chenle is avoiding us or whatever_

_Samuel: oh shit i noticed that too huh_

_Kyla: yeah same ://// tbh i miss that lil shit_

_Somi: me too :( but idk why!!!!_

_Jisung: seriously??? not even you, somi????_

_Somi: no sorry :((( i would have told you guys if i knew!!!_

_Kyla: yikes yall this is some Big Damage_

_Somi: sweetie..... is this the time_

_Kyla: lmao sorry ur right_

_Samuel: anyway......... maybe you should talk to him about it? idk_

_Jisung: fuck idk what if he hates me_

_Somi: what??? chenle could never hate you :(((_

_Samuel: yeah dude you two are best friends, why would you think that????_

_Jisung: um well......_

_Kyla: JISUNG WHAT_

_Somi: omg did you do something????_

_Jisung: okay fine i might have said something that crossed the line i guess while we were talking and he just walked away_

_Jisung: straight up didn't even say anything either_

_Samuel: dude..._

_Kyla: what did you even say tf????_

_Jisung: um_

_Jisung: i may have indirectly asked him if he was gay or whatever_

_Kyla: oh. shit._

_Samuel: i think that explains his reaction a lot, in my opinion_

_Jisung: what does that mean?_

_Samuel: well......._

_Somi: hmmmm ur not exactly the most accepting person when it comes to that type of stuff if u get what im saying_

_Kyla: ^^^^ i get that it's bc of your parents but you can't expect him to talk about shit like this with you yaknow???_

_Jisung: are y'all implying what i think y'all are implying_

_Samuel: we're not saying that he is, we're just saying that ur homophobic lol_

_Jisung: fuck is it that bad_

_Kyla: idk it's prettyyyyyyy bad my dude_

_Somi: yeah like i wont hate on you bc that's what you believe and ur entitled to ur own opinion but!! some of the stuff u say is a bit much :(_

_Jisung: shit......_

_Jisung: that's literally all i've ever been taught, i didn't know it was that... wrong or something_

_Kyla: yeah your parents are kinda shitty like that lmao_

_Samuel: KYLA_

_Kyla: oof sorry... but it's true lowkey_

_Somi: anyway... i hope u realize that you dont have to think what ur parents force u to think. sure its hard to accept something other than what ur used to, but thats what having an open mind is all about. ur totally capable of changing ur viewpoints even if ur parents dont agree with it._

_Samuel: yeah and it's not your fault entirely, your parents kinda fucked up by sheltering you a lot in regards to other ways of thinking that don't align with your religious beliefs lol_

_Jisung: i guess you guys are right..._

_Jisung: but it's scary to think about going against my parents, honestly..._

_Kyla: look we're not telling you to go to pride parade tomorrow lmao. just open your mind a little bit my guy_

_Samuel: you sound high_

_Kyla: literally did i ask?_

_Somi: omg SHUT UP WE'RE TRYING TO HELP JISUNG HERE_

_Jisung: lmao it's fine somi they just be like that sometimes huh_

_Jisung: for real though, y'all gave me a lot to think about_

_Kyla: idk if that's supposed to be a good or bad thing but glad to help lmao_

_Somi: let us know if u need help w anything ok_

_Samuel: dont forget to talk to chenle alright????_

_Jisung: i'll try_

Jisung doesn't think he's ever had these many thoughts and questions in his mind all at once. First, he has to deal with confronting Chenle about their most recent conversation and the (maybe) ongoing period of the latter not talking to him, and now, he can't stop thinking about how his discriminatory ways of thinking are wrong, probably.

Eating meals together was always something that Jisung's parents valued, and he isn't complaining. He genuinely loves his parents, and he accepts many of the things they feel that he needs to know. His parents have done so much of the thinking for him that it's an entirely new concept to try and form his own opinions. Reflecting on it now, he supposes that it was quite wrong for his parents to keep him so close-minded, and he wishes that they allowed him to think for himself.

The dinner table is an excellent location for Jisung's parents to discretely shove their viewpoints onto him.

"Hey, Jisung, did you see what your cousin Dongyoung posted on Facebook today?" Jisung's father asks.

Jisung just shakes his head, his mouth full of food. He has a Facebook, but he never checks it because he thinks it's solely used by old people and for his relatives whom he hasn't seen in a few years to greet him on his birthday. However, he becomes interested when his father mentions Dongyoung. Jisung and Dongyoung have always been pretty close despite the age gap, but the two of them haven't really talked since Dongyoung moved too far away for college years back.

"Oh, dear, I saw that and I couldn't help but feel bad." His mother almost dramatically places her hand over her heart.

 _Now_ Jisung is listening. What could Dongyoung possibly have done to make his parents so concerned about it?

"Wait, what happened?" Jisung says before he fully stops chewing his food.

"Don't talk with your mouth full, sweetie." His mother says. Jisung does.

"Dongyoung is apparently living with his boyfriend in their own apartment now." His father replies to his question while shaking his head. "It's sad really, he was such a God-centered kid, too." His voice is dripping with disappointment, and Jisung never wants to hear that tone directed toward him.

"Ugh, he's a homo and he's living with his partner before marriage... Young people these days are really straying too far from God's teachings. Good thing we have such a wonderful son and don't have to worry about these kinds of things." She smiles sweetly at Jisung, and that's when he realizes that that last statement is supposed to be a compliment. Something about her words seems _off_ to Jisung, but he can't quite place why.

Jisung nods slowly, and his mother takes it. He breathes.

The conversation switches to a different topic almost immediately after, and Jisung is grateful. He listens to his parents talk about various subjecs, from the events from their days at work and the Bible study they're supposed to be attending this upcoming Thursday.

"Jisung," He turns his attention to his father's voice, "how's Chenle? I haven't seen that kid around for a few weeks now."

"Yeah, I kind of miss him, too, you know! He's so polite and adorable, I just want to squish his cheeks!" His mother gushes over Chenle; she's always been extremely fond of the boy.

"Okay, geez, Mom, it's not like your actual son is right here or anything." Jisung replies playfully, rolling his eyes.

"I still love you more, my dear." She ruffles Jisung's hair, and Jisung leans into the touch, his mother's hand feeling comfortable and safe. "But I still miss having him over. Are you two alright?"

"Oh, uh," Jisung hesitates, "we kinda stopped talking for a bit. I think he's mad at me, but I don't know why." He curses himself for being so open with his parents, but then again, it's one of the main reasons why he has such a stable relationship with them.

His mother and father stop moving, surprised to hear that something has happened between Jisung and Chenle.

"Oh, I'm sorry about that, bud. You're gonna try and fix it though, right?" His father pats Jisung's back with his large hand.

"Yeah, but it's probably nothing, don't worry about it." Jisung tries to pass off the dilemma as something insignificant in an effort to make his parents drop the subject. Thankfully, they take the hint, simply nodding and sending him sympathetic smiles before returning to their dinners.

After finishing his food, he washes his dishes and excuses himself. He says that he has a Spanish test to study for, and his parents let him to go to his room without a second thought. He lies, though; he needs to confront Chenle.

Jisung flops down onto his bed with his hand clutching his phone, mentally preparing himself. He breathes deeply, in through his nostrils, out through his mouth, before shooting Chenle a text.

_Jisung: hey can you talk_

_Chenle: um sure_

_Jisung: i'll call you_

He presses the "Call" button on Chenle's contact page, his heart racing while the dial tone fills his ears.

_"Hey, do you need something?"_

"Oh, um, I just... wanted to say some stuff." Jisung cringes. He was never the best with words.

_"Um... okay."_

"Well, uh, my parents mentioned you at dinner earlier. They miss having you over." He tries to stall, not sure if he's ready to talk it all out yet.

 _"Oh, that's cool."_ He laughs, more like giggles, really. Jisung waits for Chenle to say that he misses coming over, too. _"Is that all you wanted to talk about?"_

"N-no, sorry." He takes in a deep breath. "I just... wanted to know if you were mad at me... or something."

_"Oh."_

Jisung's hands are shaking. "I get if you don't wanna talk about it right now, you probably have a bunch of homework to do..."

_"No, you're fine... Uh, I guess I needed some space for a bit."_

Jisung is _confused_. Why would Chenle need space from him for three whole weeks? "Did... did I do something, Chenle?"

There's a long pause on the other end of the line. _"No, you didn't, Jisung. I just had to sort myself out, I guess."_

Jisung doesn't like that answer. "Oh, okay."

_"Yup..."_

Another long pause. The silence is suffocating.

"Hey, Chenle."

_"What?"_

"Why did you run away?"

_A gulp. "Wh-what do you mean, Jisung?"_

"Today, by your locker."

_"Oh, that."_

"Yeah... I'm, uh, sorry about that, by the way. Was insensitive for me to ask something like that."

_"It's whatever. Don't worry about it."_

Chenle's response makes him slightly angry. "It's not 'whatever,' Chenle. But I guess."

_"Okay, Jisung. I'll, um, see you at school tomorrow."_

"Okay."

Jisung hangs up, partly angry, partly confused, partly sad as fuck. That phone call did nothing to mend whatever was going on between him and Chenle and he blames himself for that. If anything, their whole conversation just left him with more questions than before.

_Why did he run away? What is he thinking about? Does he still consider me his best friend?_

_Are we okay?_

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

 _Oh my god, I need to text Renjun._ That's Chenle's first thought after he gets off the phone with Jisung.

_Chenle: RENJUN PLEASE HELP ME_

_Renjun: what happened my child_

_Chenle: so i just called jisung right_

_Renjun: WHAT_

_Renjun: WHY DID YOU DO THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AVOIDING HIM_

_Chenle: SHUT UP HE'S THE ONE WHO CALLED ME HE SAID HE NEEDED TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING_

_Renjun: sus but..... proceed_

_Chenle: well it was awkward as fuck i wanted to cry why can't we just be noRMAL AGAIN_

_Chenle: anyway... that's besides the point_

_Chenle: the point is that he said sorry for indirectly asking me if i was gay_

_Renjun: wait seriously? he apologized?_

_Chenle: yeah he sounded super awkward but he said sorry and said how it was insensitive of him_

_Chenle: idk how to feel about it..._

_Renjun: maybe... he's starting to turn around about this kind of stuff?_

_Chenle: really? you think so?_

_Renjun: i mean i did say maybe_

 

_Chenle: i guess so......._

A pause.

_Chenle: oh my god renjun i miss him so much_

_Chenle: i tried to sound like i didn't care but i do i care so much i just want to be near him again_

_Renjun: oh honey..._

_Renjun: have you confronted him about the touchy thing yet?_

_Chenle: i couldn't do it i couldn't do it_

_Chenle: please i'm so scared of losing him i can't tell him about anything like that_

_Renjun: calm down, honey, you're okay_

_Renjun: you don't have to tell him yet, don't pressure yourself into that kind of stuff. you're clearly not ready and that's okay._

_Chenle: i think im gonna start hanging out w them again_

_Chenle: i just need him in my life_

_Renjun: okay, if that makes you happy baby_

_Renjun: keep yourself safe bub, i don't want you to get hurt_

_Chenle: hopefully_

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

The next day at school, Jisung is surprised when Chenle sits down at their table. Somi hugs him tightly, welcoming him back into their friend group.

However, something seems wrong. Chenle isn't talking to Jisung that much, not making a lot of eye contact with him. Chenle instead chooses to add on to something Somi said, laugh at a joke Kyla made, or playfully hit Samuel's shoulder when he says something dumb.

Whenever Chenle does something like that, Jisung feels something burning inside of him.

Is he... jealous?

Jisung is humble enough to decide that he is, but he convinces himself that it's because he and Chenle are supposedly best friends, and usually, best friends spend the most time with each other and not their other friends. He's definitely not jealous because Chenle's laughs aren't directed to him, he's not receiving Chenle's playful touches, and he's not the one making Chenle happiest. Definitely not.

Sure, Chenle acknowledges Jisung's existence, but it's not enough. He doesn't want to admit it, but he really, really misses having Chenle around, and now that the older boy is around, Jisung almost wants to cry because he isn't the one receiving the most attention from him.

Jisung sulks for the rest of the day.

━━━━━

Chenle sits with his original friend group for the first time in a while and, honestly, it's refreshing. He missed all of them a lot, especially Jisung. But he still kind of avoids him. He's not totally ignoring him, but it's a strange thing for his friends to see Chenle talking to them more than he talks to Jisung. Jisung has never really been the jealous type, so he's not worried about that.

Really, he sits at their table for himself. Even though he doesn't necessarily want to talk to Jisung that much (it would be too weird if they were suddenly super friendly again after that confusing, awkward conversation), he still relishes in his presence. Seeing Jisung's smile is more than enough, and he wishes he could be the source of his joy again.

Chenle has never failed in cheering Jisung up, no matter how bad his day has been. Something about Chenle screams sunshine and positivity that most people can't resist (Jisung especially). But Jisung seems much less likely to smile because of him now.

Chenle still doesn't let up. He continues to sit with their friend group, even on days when Jisung isn't there. His senior friends check up on him frequently, and he's grateful for that. For now, though, he wants to focus on becoming closer to his other friends. Chenle realizes that he prioritized Jisung so much in the past that he never put as much time and effort into his friendships with Somi, Samuel, and Kyla.

So, he makes sure to always sit with them at lunch and text them when they aren't together, and it pays off. After only two weeks, he's already finding it so much easier to laugh with them, to make jokes with them, and to let them know when something is up. He stops thinking about Jisung as much.

_Jisung doesn't mind, right?_

It's not like Jisung is left out, no, not at all, but there's a bond between the four of them that wasn't there before.

Jisung can't help but feel a litle hurt.

Chenle is ( _Was?_ ) his best friend, not Somi's, not Kyla's, not Samuel's. He doesn't care that Chenle's making an effort to get closer with them; he cares about the possibility that Chenle doesn't care about him that much anymore.

He needs to do something about it. Quickly, he decides to get Chenle's attention as much as he can. He greets the older boy whenever they see each other on campus and makes sure to always respond to what Chenle has to say at lunch, which makes Chenle smile really big and Jisung wants to burn the image into his mind. Chenle's smile has always been one of Jisung's favorite things about him.

But it doesn't do anything. Chenle still doesn't text him first, he still talks to the others more, and, call him a dumb, over dramatic teenager, he thinks it really fucking sucks. He's trying so hard to make things go back to they were, but it clearly doesn't seem to be working out that well. He's had enough.

After a couple weeks of attempting to make Chenle talk to him like normal again, Jisung confronts him.

"Hey, Chenle, are you doing anything after school today?" Jisung says at the end of lunch one day.

"No, why?" Chenle tilts his head to the side, eyes large and sparkling. Jisung's heart beats a little bit faster, for some reason.

"Uh, well," his hands are starting to get clammy, "meet me by my car later? We could get something to eat, if you want."

Chenle gasps. "But Jisung," he looks around, as if checking to see that the coast is clear, "that's illegal." He cups his hand around his mouth like he's saying something secret, and Jisung can't help but smile fondly.

"It's okay, Chenle, it's not even like we're gonna go far." He rolls his eyes.

"... Fine. But you're not gonna be saying that it's okay when you get your license taken away." Chenle jokes, and Jisung revels in how easy the conversation feels. It's nothing like the phone call.

Jisung is satisfied with how the pre-confrontation went, but then he remembers what he needs to confront Chenle about in the first place. He really doesn't want to mess things up this time.

Chenle, on the other hand, has been feeling anxious ever since Jisung asked if he was doing anything after school; he simply managed to conceal it with cute charm because he's a fool for Jisung Park, God damn it. He becomes more and more nervous as the day progresses, and when the bell for the end of the school day rings, he feels like he's going to explode.

He slowly makes his way to Jisung's parking spot in the student parking lot, and his nervousness increases tenfold when he sees that Jisung is already in the driver's seat. The atmosphere doesn't seem too tense or unpleasant, so Chenle breathes a little easier.

They decide to eat at the McDonald's near their school because they're teenagers with low standards for food, and they talk about insignificant things. Both of them know what they're not saying.

When they're done eating, they sit in Jisung's car for a little longer than what is socially acceptable, probably. The only sound filling the space is the Rex Orange County playing through the car speakers.

Without any preamble, Jisung says, "Chenle, I can't keep doing this." He's looking right at Chenle, eyes full of intensity and intent.

Chenle is nearly shocked out of his skin. "Wh-what are you talking about?"

"God..." Jisung runs a hand through his hair. "I don't have any better way to say this but... Why do you keep avoiding me?" Jisung's words become sadder, and Chenle's heart drops to the bottom of his stomach.

He can't look at Jisung anymore. His face pales, heart beating a million miles a minute. The air is filled with so many questions, so many things left unsaid, and Chenle can't deal with it anymore. He inhales deeply, then exhales.

"You confuse me, Jisung."

"What is that supposed to mean, Chenle? If anything, you're the one who's confusing. You told me that I didn't do anything wrong, but you still talk to the others more than you talk to me. It just doesn't make any sense." Jisung says more than he originally intended. Fuck it. "I thought we were best friends." Jisung mutters out the last sentence, scared and unsure of what Chenle will say next.

Chenle is at a loss for words. He opens his mouth multiple times, only to close it again. "I-we are best friends, Jisung."

"Doesn't seem like it anymore." Jisung's gaze is turned down, staring into his lap.

"I-I have my reasons, Jisung." He can't bring himself to say it, like always.

"Then what are they? Why can't you just tell me?" Jisung almost sounds angry at this point, eyes staring daggers into Chenle's.

"Because I knew that you would hate me if I did tell you why I avoided you for almost a month." Chenle glances at Jisung, gaging his reaction. The younger boy's face prompts him to continue speaking. He does so without thinking. "I avoided you because you always treated me differently than everyone else, and it fucking confused me, damn it. It still confuses me because you're straight as fuck, but your touches make it seem like you like me in that way, and I hate it because I know that you don't."

Chenle is mortified when Jisung's face morphs into an expression neither of them can decipher.

"Why would it matter if I liked you like that, Chenle?" Jisung's tone is unreadable, and that scares Chenle more than it would have if Jisung was angry with him.

"Because," Chenle gulps, the lump in his throat preventing him for saying those three words, "I like you."

Jisung's eyes grow wide. He doesn't even know what to say or feel. The burning sensation in his chest is something he's never felt before, and it scares him.

"Chenle, I-"

"You don't need to say anything, Jisung." He opens Jisung's car door. "I'll walk home."

Before Jisung can say more, Chenle does what he knows best. He runs away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAHHHHH THE SECRET IS OUT!!!! honestly i'm not too happy with the pacing or writing in this chapter but it uncovers a lot so i guess?? that makes up for it???? idk you tell me
> 
> (also if you were confused as to why jisung has a car and it's illegal for him to drive chenle around, legal age to get your license in california is 16 but you can't drive people under 25 around until you've been driving for a year after you get your license or you turn 18 so there lol)
> 
> uhhhh anyway pls give me approval about my writing and characterization and stuff on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/babiejaem) or [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/babiejaem)
> 
> i hope u have a great morning/afternoon/evening wherever u are and thank u for reading <33333


	3. Set on Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this took almost a month to write i am...... so sorry. it isn't that long, but it's crucial to the plot so yeah! pls read! and enjoy! thank u xoxo

Chenle is still hurting. His legs hurt from walking the two mile route from McDonald's to his house, his head hurts from lack of hydration, and his heart hurts from confessing to Jisung.

He's glad that his mother is still at work so she isn't able to hear her only child bawling into his pillow through the thin walls of his house. She thinks of him as someone who is constantly bubbly and smiling, radiating positive energy, and he can't ruin that for her just because he can't deal with losing his best friend. It's not like he has a bad relationship with his mom, but she already has so much weight on her shoulders from working constantly to support the two of them by herself. He can't possibly burden her more.

But Chenle is still craving comfort, attention, _love_. He feels so lonely because he's pretty sure that he just permanently damaged his best-friendship with Jisung, and he needs someone to just be in his presence and reassure him. Good thing he knows exactly who to call.

_"Hello?"_

"R-Renjun..." He sniffles, eyes still threatening to well up with tears simply at the thought of Jisung.

 _"Oh, baby, what happened?"_ Renjun coos at him over the phone. For some reason, it makes Chenle frown more, tears streaming down his face.

"Can you j-just come over, please? If you can..." Chenle can't stop himself from choking up, making his words more difficult to understand on Renjun's end of the line.

 _"Of course, honey."_ Chenle likes that Renjun calls him pet names all the time; it makes him feel safe, secure. _"Is it okay if Jaemin comes with me? We're together right now."_

Chenle nods, but then realizes that Renjun can't see him through the phone. "Y-yeah, that's okay." Jaemin gives amazing hugs, and Chenle thinks that he could use some of those.

 _"Alright, we'll be there in ten minutes, tops. Wait for us, okay?"_ To which Chenle makes a small noise of affirmation. _"See you then."_

Chenle doesn't say "Bye" or anything akin to it, simply hanging up and curling into himself on the bed.

_What does Jisung think of me now?_

Millions of thoughts are racing through his head, most of which are about how Jisung probably hates him now or will tell his parents that he's gay and he'll be shunned from their family forever. Yeah, Jisung definitely isn't going to talk to him ever again.

Still, there's a tiny, _tiny_ thought in the back of his head about how _maybe_ , through some miracle of God and the perfect alignment of the stars, Jisung likes him back. But then he mentally slaps himself when it crosses his mind because there is absolutely no possibility of that happening. Sure, Jisung might not completely hate gay people anymore, or something like that, but that doesn't mean that he's going to suddenly realize his feelings for Chenle just because he confessed first.

_Right?_

He's making himself more emotionally, physically, and mentally draned by thinking about these things, so he tries to distract his brain, shifting his thoughts to the Pre-Calc homework he has to do and how he's gonna watch _Crazy Rich Asians_ for free online after he finishes said homework. He already watched the film in theaters the day after it came out, but he's certain that it's a cinematic masterpiece that also includes Asian representation, which means that it's probably the best movie ever in his books.

Chenle is snapped out of his own head when he hears aggressive knocking at the door. He makes his way to the door, feet almost dragging across the floorboards. The excessive crying really took a lot out of him.

He opens the door to see Renjun and Jaemin, the former holding a drink from the boba place down the street. Seeing them makes him tear up again, reminded that he has to tell them all about what happened with Jisung in his car a couple of hours ago.

The pair invite themselves in, sensing that Chenle doesn't want to talk any more than he needs to and taking their shoes off by the entryway.

The three of them sit down at Chenle's dining table, and the couple's hearts can't help but break when they see the younger boy's puffy eyes and red nose. Jaemin gets up from his spot at the table to retrieve some napkins from the kitchen, preparing for any of Chenle's incoming tears, while Renjun hands Chenle the drink in his hand.

"Drink up, honey. We don't want you getting dehydrated." Renjun pets Chenle's hair softly as the latter sips on the straw, the taste of caramel milk tea and the presence of two of his friends bringing him comfort.

Jaemin returns with a wad of bunched-up napkins in his hand, butterflies forming in his tummy when he sees his boyfriend being so affectionate toward Chenle. He sits in the seat next to Chenle for optimal hugging access.

"So," Renjun starts carefully, not wanting to set Chenle off, "do you wanna talk about it?"

Chenle breathes deeply, tears threatening to spill again. God, he hates that he cries so much. He feels dumb and like a baby, but he guesses that he can't do anything about it right now. Then it comes. The sniffles, the tears, the quiet sobs wracking his body as he tries to contain it all.

The reaction from Chenle speaks louder than words. Renjun reaches to grab a napkin, handing a few to the younger Chinese boy, and Jaemin gently guides Chenle's head to rest on his shoulder, arms wrapping protectively around his shaking shoulders.

The pair let Chenle cry until he calms down a bit, Renjun wiping the excess wetness under his eyes with his thumbs. His heart is heavy when he thinks about what possibly could have happened to cause Chenle to cry this much. It's only then when he realizes that sitting on three separate wooden chairs is not a prime comforting position, so he gets an idea.

"C'mon, honey, let's move to the couch." Renjun says quietly.

Chenle complies without hesitation, his feet still dragging across the floor. Jaemin follows closely behind, the milk tea left forgotten on the table. They settle on the couch in the living room, Chenle sandwiched in between the two older boys. They let Chenle's cries calm down, and when they do, Renjun and Jaemin send each other knowing looks.

"Do you think you can tell us now?" Renjun makes sure to make eye contact with Chenle to let him know that he's really listening.

Chenle inhales deeply, readying himself for telling his friends about his encounter with Jisung earlier. He knows he has to tell them about it eventually, and it's not like he doesn't trust them or anything. So, he explains everything. He starts from the very beginning, from how he first realized that he had a crush on Jisung, to how he tried avoiding him, to now, regarding his confession and how he just walked away. He even mentions his securities about how Jisung possibly feels about him now. It's almost a struggle to get out, but it feels so good to rant and ramble on and on without interruption, Renjun and Jaemin listening attentively.

When Chenle's finished, it feels as if a weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. He can breathe easily, and Jisung is no longer on his mind for the first time in a few weeks. Sure, it's only temporary, and he's going to be worrying his head off about Jisung in a couple of hours, but he's going to savor this feeling of relief while it's here.

"Oh, Chenle." Jaemin coos, and Chenle almost laughs when he sees that he's tearing up a little bit. Jaemin is sensitive, and he isn't afraid to show it. He also shows it in the form of hugs quite often, so he wraps Chenle in a tight embrace, squishing his face against the top of Chenle's head. Chenle leans into the warm touch, linking his arms around Jaemin's waist and taking in the hug warmly.

"Look, let me tell you something." Renjun starts, and Chenle is sure that Renjun is about to go off and give him a lecture. A useful lecture, but a lecture nonetheless. "If that Jisung kid will stop talking to you or being your best friend because you have a crush on him, then that's his goddamn loss. It's his fault that he's letting his homophobic-ass viewpoints dictate how good of a person you are." Renjun is practically mushing Chenle's cheeks with his hands to prove his point.

"I mean, I don't know if he's still homophobic, or whatever." Chenle mutters quietly. He still has that instinct in him to be protective of the younger boy.

"Still!" Renjun finally lets go of Chenle's face, throwing his hands in the air exasperatedly. "You shouldn't force yourself to hang around him if you're not sure about how he feels about you or, God forbid, he hates you or something." He puts a hand on Chenle's shoulder, and Chenle swears that, in that moment, Renjun possesses the role of Distressed Parent Trying to Help His Child. "We're always here for you, so you can come to us if you ever feel uncomfortable or anything like that, okay?" He looks at Chenle with a slightly stern, but mostly soft, look in his eyes.

Chenle simply nods. He's so grateful for them, Renjun especially.

"I don't-I don't know when I can face him again." Chenle says, eyes turned down to his lap.

"And you don't have to decide that now." Jaemin finally speaks. "You can't control your feelings, especially if they're as strong as this. Let Jisung sort out his own shit and then you guys can talk."

"I guess you're right."

Chenle accepts that he has to spend time away from Jisung. Again. For the third time that month, or something. But this time, he's okay with it.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

_What. The. Fuck._

It's been three days since Chenle confessed to him, and Jisung is still confused as hell. He's certain that he hallucinated that exchange between him and Chenle, but then again, it would explain why Chenle isn't acknowledging his existence at all. He's still processing that Chenle, his best friend for so, so many years confessed to him. Like, told Jisung that he likes him. And Jisung doesn't know how to feel about it.

For one thing, that definitely means that Chenle is gay, or bi, or something like that. Jisung hasn't really familiarized himself with those kinds of things. It's not like Jisung hates Chenle; he's pretty sure that he could never hate Chenle, never in a million years. With the confession, however, came so many more questions that Jisung is a little bothered at this point. He knows that adolescence is supposed to be confusing, but he didn't think it would also come with so many uncertainties.

During the hip hop team's practice for the upcoming pep rally, Jisung couldn't stay focused, mind drifting off to think about Chenle and his confession instead of focusing on the choreography. The rest of the team was quite concerned, clearly unfamiliar with their team captain, who is always on beat and on top of things, being so distracted.

Good thing Samuel is part of the team; he keeps him in check. So, he goes up to Jisung at the end of practice, the latter jumping when he taps his shoulder.

"You're free right now, right?" Samuel asks Jisung almost nonchalantly, although he knows that something is up.

"Yeah, why?"

"Good, because you're driving me somewhere. Anywhere, really. We need to talk." Samuel states with no room for debate, turning away promptly and leaving Jisung glued to the floor in shock and confusion.

Jisung jogs to catch up with his friend, who is already making his way to Jisung's car.

"What the hell do we need to talk about?" Another damn question.

"I don't know, you tell me, dude." He says as he hears the car unlock, opening the door to climb into the passenger's seat. Samuel hooks up the auxiliary cord to his phone, playing some song from his playlist that Jisung doesn't recognize.

Jisung shrugs and turns the key, unsure of where to go. He figures that they could just go anywhere, as their main priority isn't to eat; it's to talk. Jisung settles on the small, local Mexican place. If he's going to be interrogated or have some emotionally draining conversation, then he's going to do so while eating some carne asada fries.

After ordering their food, the pair sit down at a small table only meant to seat two people. They're facing each other, and Jisung knows that he will not be able to hide anything from Samuel. It's hard to hide things from Samuel in the first place, as he has always been good at reading the atmosphere and other people's "vibes," as he likes to call them.

"So," Samuel stuffs part of his quesadilla in his mouth, "spill. What's up? Why were you so off during practice? It's really unlike you, you know." As hard it is to take Samuel seriously with a mouth full of tortilla and meat and cheese, Jisung has no doubt that the other boy is genuinely concerned about what's going on.

Jisung just sighs. The whole situation has been on his mind non-stop for the past few days, and now he can finally voice out everything he's thinking.

"Well, I'm just gonna say it straight up. Don't tell anyone, though." Jisung throws up his pinky, and Samuel links his own with it. He still doesn't know what to think about it, but there's no way he's letting something like this change the way people perceive Chenle. "So, Chenle told me that he liked me."

It's ironic, really, how Samuel doesn't act surprised, to Jisung's surprise. Instead, he plays around with the napkin in his hand, making small rips in the material. "Oh, uh, yeah. About that." Samuel turns his eyes up to meet Jisung's piercing, curious gaze. "I kinda... knew about that already. So did Somi. And Kyla." Samuel smiles stiffly to somehow make up for the bomb he just dropped on Jisung.

The younger male's mouth is wide open in disbelief. "What the fuck? You guys knew and you didn't tell me about it?" Jisung doesn't raise his voice, but it's hard to keep his volume low when he's hit with this new information.

"Dude, we couldn't just tell you that your best friend had a crush on you! That would be so shitty of us to do, and Chenle doesn't deserve that. Lord knows how you would have reacted to it when he first told us." Samuel has never been one to speak what's on his mind. If he has something to say, even if it's a little too close to reality, then he's going to say it.

That causes something to snap in Jisung's mind. One of the main things he hasn't been able to stop wondering is how long this has been going on. Surely, there's no way that Chenle has liked him for very long. There's no way that Chenle would have been able to keep his feelings for Jisung contained for such a stretch of time.

"Wait, when did he first tell you guys that he liked me?"

"I think it was in eighth grade, or something. It's been a while... I honestly don't know how he kept it up for so long."

Jisung's head threatens to explode. "Dude, I don't even know how to feel about this. Shit." Jisung leans back in his chair, running his hands through his hair in disbelief.

"It's totally okay for you to be confused, you know. It's not like he asked you to be his boyfriend or anything like that."

Jisung guesses that Samuel is right. But then he remembers that Chenle mentioned something about how he treats Chenle differently, and he has no idea what that's about. He asks Samuel about it, and Samuel is more than ready to explain.

"Well, this is something all of us have noticed, actually. We didn't wanna say anything because you probably would have flipped the fuck out or something." Jisung is itching to know what it is, but he knows that he would just aggravate Samuel if he interrupted what he was trying to say. "You kind of do this thing where you, like, put your hand on his thigh, and stare at him really intensely, or smile a little when he laughs. And you don't do that shit to anyone else."

Jisung shoots Samuel a look of pure confusion and shock. There's no way in hell that he could have acted so... so _gay_ toward Chenle. "Are you serious?"

"Look, you know me. I wouldn't be telling you this if it wasn't true."

Jisung doesn't want to believe it. Looking back on it and reflecting on Samuel's words, he realizes that he does do that stuff to Chenle. The thing is, though, that Jisung does it subconsciously, without any thinking or effort. It just makes him feel so comfortable, and maybe a little warm inside. Not that he would ever want to admit that.

"So, what does that mean, then?" Jisung has something in mind, but he definitely doesn't want to think about that.

"I think that's for you to figure out, my friend." Samuel stands up from his seat, strawberry lemonade in hand. "Anyway, my mom's here. I texted her to pick me up a while ago. Have fun sorting your shit out." Samuel throws up a backwards peace sign and exits the store.

Boy, does Jisung have a lot of thinking to do.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

When Jisung gets home, his mother is folding laundry in the living room. He doesn't see his father inside, though, so he figures that he's out in the backyard, tending to the garden.

"Oh, Jisung!" His mother turns to him with a smile on her face. She doesn't seem to notice his dejected look, and if she does, she doesn't say anything. "How was your practice? Did you eat lunch already?"

"It was good, and yeah, I ate lunch with Samuel." He needs to get away from his mom ASAP. He loves her and all, but it would be pretty hard to think about how his best friend is technically in love with him with his mother in the same room. "I'm actually feeling really tired, so I'm gonna go up to my room and rest for a bit."

"Sure, honey. Rest well." She smiles warmly, and it makes him kind of sad, for some reason.

He's walking up the stairs when she calls out to him again. "Jisung, we're going to church earlier tomorrow because your cousin's birthday party is in the afternoon. Make sure to sleep early tonight!"

 _Right_.

Jisung lies on his bed, staring up at the ceiling with a thoughts and possibilities and fears filling his mind. Why does he do all that stuff to Chenle, and what does it all mean?

The touches, the stares, the laughs, the talks, they all mean so much to Jisung. Those moments he spends with Chenle are some of the best moments of his adolescence, to be completely honest. His heart swells up a little when Chenle laughs at one of his jokes, or when Chenle playfully hits him or brushes his hand against his or any touches him in any way, really. Jisung doesn't think he can ever get enough of them.

But that's just how it feels to have such a strong bond with your best friend, right?

Well, it's not like Jisung is entirely sure.

Before Chenle, Jisung didn't really have a best friend or someone he was really close with and could rely on for everything. He was quite timid and kept to himself a lot, so that prevented him from making many friends. It didn't help that he thought that the other kids were too loud and made gross jokes. His parents told him that he should never make those kinds of jokes or else he would see the Devil when he died, so he never did. So, he felt as if he couldn't relate to the other kids, too.

That all changed when he met Chenle. Chenle's bright smile and contagious laugh broke down his walls, reducing them to nothing and making them seem like they were never there. Everything with Chenle felt so different, so real, so right. And Jisung never wanted to let it go.

Jisung keeps thinking about how he feels about Chenle and how he feels about his other friends. That's when he notices a significant difference, but Jisung is certain that it's because they're so close. That seems like a plausible reason.

But then he starts to think about it more. The more he thinks about it, the more he fears that it's not just because they're close. He wants to push that thought away from his mind, but he can't. There is that burning feeling at the pit of Jisung's stomach when he spends time with Chenle, and he can't put a name to it. He doesn't want to put it a name to it.

Jisung tries to convince himself that it's fake. There's no telling how his parents would react if they ever found out that their son was like that. There would definitely be some shouting involved, and who knows, maybe Jisung would get kicked out. But he'd rather not think about his parents when he's supposed to be sorting out whatever he feels for his supposed best friend.

But he can't lie to himself in the end.

Best friends shouldn't feel these kinds of feelings toward each other, but here Jisung is. Slowly realizing, as he lies in bed, that he likes Chenle.

He wants to scream his lungs out, kick his blankets onto the floor, throw things across the room in an attempt to somehow deal with his feelings, but he doesn't. He simply lets the tears slowly stream down his face.

 _This can't be real_ , Jisung thinks. He's in disbelief with himself, and he hates that he turned out this way. If Chenle didn't confess to him, he would have never realized that he likes the boy. If Chenle didn't confess, then he would have never been so confused. If Chenle didn't confess, he would have never been scared of disappointing his parents. But Chenle did, and Jisung feels somewhat angry, hot tears making his face wet.

Jisung doesn't want to get out of bed, nor does he want to face his parents or Chenle ever again.

He has to eventually, but for now, he lets himself cry until he falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jisung isn't confused anymore but he realized that he isn't as straight as he thought so! sorry that there was a lot of crying in this chapter, but theyre emo boys who just need some love (from each other but shhhhhh we'll get to that later) so pls excuse them! i also have the overwhelming need to hug jisung, he's just a sheltered christian boy who doesn't know any better and doesn't want to disappoint his parents but that's kinda ruined now bc he likes a boy so :(((((
> 
>  
> 
> anyway, i really hope this chapter was okay bc it's really important to the plot and stuff, so please let me know what you think by commenting down below!


	4. Hellfire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg i'm sorry this is literally two months late and it's still really short...... but i'm finally updating so pls take this

Jisung doesn't think he has ever been more distracted during church, ever. He usually pays attention to the majority of  the service, maybe his mind wandering to his project due the following week every once in a while. But this morning was a whole different story.

He couldn't focus to any of the words being spoken by the priest at all. He forced himself to pick up the missal and listen to the readings, but he just _couldn't_. The only thoughts plaguing his mind were Chenle, Chenle, Chenle.

He has never felt more guilty in his life. The remorse he felt when he broke his mother's favorite vase when he was eight doesn't even compare to what he feels now. During mass, he felt dirty, like he shouldn't be in the House of God while he's feeling this type of attraction toward someone of the same gender. He wanted to run out of the building and never tell his parents why.

Throughout his life, Jisung's parents always taught him that God meant for romantic love to be between one man and one woman, and one man and one woman only. They showed distaste for homosexual content in the media and tried to keep Jisung from being exposed to those things as much as possible. They talked about his future like it was set in stone, how he would get married to a beautiful woman and have multiple children for them to coo over and take care of. They loved talking about how much of a Godly boy he was, how good he was for doing his nightly prayers and never hesitating to say grace at mealtimes.

What makes things so much worse is that Jisung never questioned his parents' actions.

Oh, how much Jisung hates himself for defying their expectations.

 

━━━━━━━━

 

Jisung wants nothing more than to stay home and figure everything out. When his parents tell him to get ready for his cousin's birthday party, he has to make up an excuse to get out of it somehow. There's no way he would be able to even enjoy the gathering one bit if he's still in the same headspace by then.

So, he lies, tells his parents that his head is throbbing, probably from dehydration or something. His mother coos over him after he tells her, blinded from her son's blatant lie. She hurries to the kitchen to fetch him a glass of water, putting it on Jisung's bedside table and telling him to rest and not look at a screen too much or else his head will hurt more. She wishes him well before kissing his forehead. Then they leave, still complete unknowing of the fact that Jisung is completely fine. Physically, at least.

It makes him feel worse that his parents are so caring, tending to his ailments and not forcing him to go out when he's feeling unwell. If they ever find out about his secret, then he's just going to disappoint them even more.

At least he's doing what his mother told him, staying in bed and resting to treat the headache he doesn't have. His heart is the part of him that is aching instead.

He wants to cry again, emotions bottled up from inside him threatening to erupt in the form of tears. He misses Chenle so, so much. He misses the older boy's voice, most especially. A lot of their classmates find Chenle's piercing laugh and loud, cracking voice to be irritating at times, but not Jisung. He thinks that it just adds to Chenle's infinite charm, making him a whole lot cuter and more endearing.

He loves it the most when Chenle sings. His vocals are smooth, untainted. Sometimes he hums when they're just walking together, and Jisung can't help but smile as he hears his friend carry out the notes so effortlessly. It's really funny when Chenle belts out lyrics at the top of his lungs, too. No matter what situation they're in, Jisung just wants Chenle to sing more and more.

Jisung would love to hear Chenle's sweet voice as he falls asleep. Jisung would be resting his head on Chenle's lap with the latter's fingers running through his hair. They'd be watching something on TV, but it would just be background noise at that point. The main show is the words falling out of Chenle's lips, his vocal chords at work, lulling Jisung into slumber. Then, when Chenle would think that Jisung is asleep, he would lay a gentle kiss, barely there, onto the younger boy's head, wishing him a restful night.

Jisung snaps out of his fantasy with a jolt. Now that he's stuck in reality again, sadness overcomes him. The only way he can be with Chenle is through his imagination, through daydreams that will never come true.

This is wrong, he thinks. He's frustrated with himself; he wants to be with Chenle so badly, but he knows that it coincides with neither his parents' beliefs nor the teachings of the Church.

But are those viewpoints what Jisung should really believe?

All his life, he's been taught that these kinds of feelings are wrong, and now that he's actually experiencing them, he isn't so sure. His knowledge, what he has known ever since he was young, and his faith tell him one thing, but another part of him is saying something else.

So, he starts questioning his ideology. It's so hard to doubt his opinions and belief system, but now that he's here, violating it, rendering it inapplicable to himself, what else can he do except change it?

It's not set in stone, nor is it completely black and white, but after a long process of thinking and feeling terrible for viewing things differently from his parents, he has a vague idea of acceptance. Acceptance of those who are unlike him, acceptance of situations he has no control over, acceptance of change and adapting to unfamiliar circumstances, acceptance of himself.

The guilt is still there, and it's not like he's going to get rid of his faith. But it's a journey, a journey Jisung is willing and ready to go on.

 

━━━━━━━━

 

The next day at school is absolutely hell, and not just because it’s a Monday, the day that is predestined to be the worst day of the week. No, that’s not why at all.

It’s because nobody has a clue that Jisung just had the possibly most life-changing realization over the weekend, so here Jisung is, suffering on his lonesome without anyone to talk to. Of course, he _knows_ that he could just hit up Samuel or Somi or even Kyla to release his bottled-up feelings without any judgement from any of them, but he has barely started to accept it himself. He just isn’t comfortable with all of… _this_ yet.

When Jisung sits at their table at lunch, Chenle is nowhere to be found. Again. Jisung tries his hardest not to show that he cares too much, but he _does_. He hates this. He distracts himself by doing his homework for fifth period, occasionally laughing at something stupid he hears Somi and Kyla bicker about, but he doesn’t put all that much effort into engaging with his friends. He’s scared that something will slip out, and he cannot risk revealing his newly discovered feelings for his best friend. In his mind, it would throw off the balance of the entire universe. At least, if he revealed it now.

At the middle of the lunch period, when there’s a lull in their usually loud and boisterous conversation, Somi sighs dramatically, resting her chin on her hands.

“Where’s Chenle? I miss him sitting with us at lunch.” Her pout is heard through her tone of voice, and Jisung is focusing on his homework and not looking at Somi, but he knows that she looks like the “:(“ emoticon right now. He kind of wants to smack it off of her face; she’s too pretty to be frowning like that.

“Beats me.” Samuel replies bluntly, sticking a stale french fry in his mouth afterwards. “I mean, Jisung might know, though. They’re best friends anyway.” Samuel says with a smirk on his lips. Jisung knows that he’s just trying to tease him, poke a little fun at the fact that there’s something between the pair, but Jisung doesn’t think it’s very funny at all. Samuel has no way of knowing that, a result of his own self-imposed isolation, but that doesn’t mean that it does nothing to tick Jisung off.

Still, Jisung can’t let anything show. So, he looks up from his homework and shrugs. “He’s probably with Renjun and them. They’re seniors, so he wants to hang out with them as much as possible until they graduate. Or something like that.” He says nonchalantly, but his throat becomes dry, his hands become clammy. Gross.

“Ugh,” Kyla groans, clearly upset at the fact that Chenle isn’t there, “who cares! We were his friends first!”

Jisung wants to frown, too. Kyla’s right. “Hey, give him the benefit of a doubt. I heard Renjun got early acceptance into this really nice art school across the country. At least, that’s what Chenle told me a while ago.” Jisung says, still trying to defend Chenle.

Kyla rolls her eyes. “I guess.” She goes back to typing furiously on her phone. He wonders if she’s talking to another guy since the one to whom she was talking last month turned out to be way too forward and creepy.

The rest of lunch is uneventful, the topic of conversation shortly switching to something that isn’t related to the missing seat at their table. Sixth period, AP Lang, also known as the one class that Jisung shares with Chenle, is just as uneventful, but a lot more painful.

Throughout the day, Jisung is able to get through it because he actually puts effort into not seeing Chenle at all, but a shared class? Unavoidable. Well, he could ask to use the bathroom and stay there for the entirety of the period, but his teacher would probably send someone up to check on him or give him a lecture, or both. Neither options are particularly favorable, so he sticks with staying in class and facing the harsh reality of having to listen to Chenle’s laugh or his voice or his habitual clicking of the pen whenever they have any sort of work to do, even if they’re typing something on the computers. His muddled mind somehow reminds him of this term he learned in psychology called an avoidance-avoidance conflict, in which someone has to choose between two more or less equally undesirable choices. Only, he avoids the two undesirable choices for a third, worse choice. Just _great_.

In class, they’re currently discussing an article that they had to read and annotate over the weekend, and of course Chenle gives this insightful, well-thought response that makes a few heads around the room nod in acknowledgement. Chenle’s skill at analyzing text and forming words with an extensive vocabulary has always amazed Jisung, making him wish that he could think like that. But today, Jisung admires Chenle from his seat across the room, lips curled up in a smile that could only be classified as proud, like he’s thinking _That’s my best friend_.

When Chenle finishes, their teacher agrees with his words and further expands upon them, leading into another tangent that may or may not be related to what they’re supposed to be talking about. Something else that happens, though, is that Chenle turns his head for some reason, adjusting his gaze on something in Jisung’s direction.

  
They make eye contact, and both of them stare for a _second_ too long before Chenle snaps his head back to the teacher, pretending as if nothing ever happened and he was listening to her the entire time. And Jisung’s heart aches once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope u enjoyed!!! jisung is developing!!!! and i am here to support him!!!!!! shoutout to all the gaybies who don't know it yet uwu
> 
> also pls dont do what jisung did in this chapter and pls tell someone when ur feeling crappy ok take care much love <3
> 
>  
> 
> kudos and comments are welcome! so are messages on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/babiejaem) or [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/babiejaem)!


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